Who Is There?

I used to hate it when somebody begins writing a blog post with “I haven’t written for a while”. It made me think “wow this person really thinks somebody cares or even has noticed that he/she hasn't written for a while”. And then I stopped writing for over a year, and I feel like I have to start the post with this ridiculous statement I've always mocked. Not because I want to explain it to whoever is reading this, it is rather because I want to explain it to me.

I am going through a “zoom out phase” if I may call it so. When you've living among so many details you can hardly notice any of them or make out where you stand from them even if you think you did. They influence you, become part of you while all the time you regard yourself as an isolated entity from them. But when you’re no longer among them, it is a different case.

I couldn't write for so long because I was overwhelmed by the details. Last time I wrote was back in 30/6 " Strolls through the land of nightmare" and I knew very well I was writing for nothing, but I had to express my grief over my lost dream and send it out somewhere. Everybody was moving, talking saying the most vile things I thought the people I've always known might ever say. I couldn't recognize them; the cruelty, the hate, the thirst for blood was just too much specially coming from people you've loved and always known and never thought capable of it. So many innocent souls were lost, killed mercilessly on their own homeland without anyone stopping to mourn them. Their family and friends were brutalized by their very own family and friends instead of hearing words of solidarity and condolences. Cruelties that were the stuff of fiction books only were witnessed just from my living room balcony right before my eyes. That marked the end of my dream in a very bold black line. It was no longer home and these people were no longer my people, they were different scary monsters that I could never forget the words the things they said and did, and sure well the dreams of a future for anybody were all over. People seemed to forget and move on, some made unspoken amendments among themselves and only the families of those gone remained out there hung on what had happened. But the ix up stayed. Right was wrong and wrong became the new right. It was the real life version of "Ninteen Eighty four". There was no point in writing long blog posts sensibly talking any sense back into the people because to them now it was a boring useless story of the past, I could only vent every now and then through a facebook post. There was no point discussing any other thought or idea because it was ridiculous, what's there that is left and matters or is worth talking about anymore?

All ideas seemed empty, repeated, a luxury that we are not entitled to speak of with everything that we have lost and have become.

I've wanted to leave as a last resort to restore myself back. To get away from all the madness, make peace with myself and build a new life. I got what I wanted but not a thing remained the same around me. Now I have to say I may always say the opposite but I'm a person who loves the accustomed, the things I'm used to, the familiar surroundings and people. I like constants and continuity and I hate change although I always pretend to be the opposite or seek the opposite. Too many changes happened too fast and here I am with no familiar stone around me or about me. It's a catch, my new life makes me feel like a stranger and so does my former life. I ind no other way but to go to back to the question I wanted to answer a long time ago but never felt a pressing need to find an immediate answer. To Be. Now if I needed to find a constant the constant could only be myself. So I need to find out what makes me ME? what defines me? I need to go back and define the details that have been my norms for my whole life the way I see them now that I'm away and "zooming out" the picture enough to see the whole of it. I need to re-identify myself in relation to these details before I can settle down with the changes in me and around me. I need to write it down and live by it day by day until I am through.

That's what I need to do.