Of Controls

I believe that most of the time you have a very sharp insight into a choice that you're about to make. You can tell what is exactly the right thing you're supposed to do, except that you can see it for only few seconds before you realize that it looks very difficult or just not appealing. Before you have a chance to start a potentially painful struggle against your reasoning powers, some defence mechanism is turned on in your head that blurs the previously very clear facts that led you to the right deduction and leaves you completely convinced that you're in a confusing situation and that you have no clue what to do. The thing is that you're not feigning ignorance now, you actually do believe that you don't know. At that moment your defence mechanisms have done their deluding job and have set you free. Now you can dwell on all possible options and pick one of them blindly not fearing that you'll blame yourself later for what you've done, because you'll be able to tell yourself that you didn't know any better then. But if you can recognize the scam your head plays, if you can detect the truth in these few seconds of awareness and hold on to it before it gets blurred...

I believe that we don't arrive where our actions have led us but we rather arrive where the hidden motives behind our actions did. That guided by the wrong motives even the right can be wrong. The fear of taking all the pains of a difficult errand, of thinking very highly of yourself all the time for doing the difficult right thing, of going to sleep with a smile of satisfaction with the achievements of your day, while you've shut yourself off completely from confessing the "why" behind them. But if you can turn this fear of arriving at the wrong place while you've felt so secure to the safety of your destination all the time, into the power to wake up to the knowledge that God looks into your heart and soul and can see the truth about them even if you're pretending to yourself that you can't see it, if you can really wake up to that....

I believe that the will to change to the better is cumulative and gets stronger every time it is opposed and defied although it seems like it has been broken and vanished. You will want to change, and your  repeated failures will make you think that may be you don't have the strength or the state of mind it takes and at some point you'll just stop trying while in fact this very failure that made you stop could have shown you a new path inside yourself so that the next day you would  know how to take that path and fight you. But if you can persist for longer, if you can have full faith that The God who can see into your heart won't see a real yearning for the good and then let you down or push you away...

It's because of this beleif that setting the facts, the motives and the will straight means that I've arrived at some place where I've taken full control over my life and placed it in the hands of God. If I arrive there, my greatest fear of the possibility of purposelessness or worthlessness of my life will be soothed to peace. I'll know that if I arrive there I will still fall but at that time my falls will be more of the course adjustments that I needed to be set on the right way instead of being the drift currents that pull me away. It's because of that tempting chase of peace, of the dazzling beauty of that place, that'll wake up everyday thinking life worth awhile, I'll take a deep breath and I'll start again..