A couple of weeks ago I was on the way back home. I am a person who loses her mind with homesickness every time I'm away from home despite my great love for traveling, may be because I haven't been yet to any of the places I really want to go to. I did enjoy my time there more than I expected, but still I was counting down to my coming back to dear home. On the awaited day of my coming back, it happened for personal reasons to coincide with a big disappointment to me. It was that degree of disappointment that makes you reconsider everything you planned for your life, reconsider why you're here, wonder what's the point of your existence at all if you're not going to be what you always thought you would be. I've always known I never really planned anything in my life. Since I can ever remember I had a clear view of how my life would be. It was never a plan, it was the way I literally saw the future, and everything in my life has always moved on its own towards getting closer to that vision. It seemed inevitable, I was being taken by the hand towards it.
On that day I was waking up from a vivid vision I had seen and loved for years. My head was full of dark thoughts of panicking over its sudden disappearance. Brought together with my not sleeping at all the night before, no coffee as it was Ramadan and I couldn't bring myself to break my fasting for traveling and the additional emotional drifting I always have on leaving places I've called home for awhile and going back to places which have always been home.
I wasn't sure if I was awake or sleeping, it was that state between them both wih only one thought in the background of my mind: Where to go now?
The car was going down the chain of mountains descending from the city of Taif which is about 2000 m above sea level. The road is designed so that you spirally go around these mountains all the way down. I was looking outside the car window and falling asleep to my thoughts. I saw beside me infinite series of mountains stretching across the horizon and ending where my eyes couldn't see. The iron side bars of the road were separating us from another infinity extending downwards towards a ground also beyond my vision. All I could see was the endless mountains, endless levels of cars below us descending to the same unseen destination and huge birds flying right next to us in a speed that looked like slow motion compared to the speed of our car.
I was completely surrounded by infinity from all directions, and it completely fitted my state of mind.
I closed my eyes tightly for the rest of the trip down. The scene had an eye opening effect on me.There could have never been a clearer demonstration of infinity and uncertainty to me at such a time. It is the nature of things to be infinite and vague. It's only natural not to be that sure of anything at all. What's been unnatural and delusional is my imagining that I could see my future years ahead and rest to being so sure about it. After a couple of weeks and getting over my first over reaction, that was an extreme absurdity. What am I in the middle of that vastness that I've only seen a tiny glimpse of? What sort of disaster has fallen upon the world if it turned out that I've spent the last few years strolling in the wrong road and that I need to take a turn?
What I've always been trying to do is sketching out limits to infinity, a good waste of hopes and a garanteed way to always manage to get disappointed.
I see now that I'm in no rush what so ever to have a hint about everything for the rest of my life, God knows how long that's going to be. I can just commit to the moment, and make decisions one step at a time as they come along. I'll dream as much as I wish, I'll always try to pursue my dreams, but I'll always keep in mind that they are the dreams and I'm the dream maker; if one dream goes it can't be the end of everything, as long as I'm still here making another dream.
Nice writing :)
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