"Mother and son", I said.
I repeat the words to myself trying to get used to them and understand that I'm really referring to myself. I look at myself in the mirror expecting to see my own mother, but I still look exactly the same like the girl I've always looked like since middle school. I am now a mother though..
"Once you see his little face, your whole life will be rearranged.", said the cab driver on my way to one of the last follow-up visits a week before my son was born.
His head is the size of the palm of my hand. He whimpers and fusses, I pick him up. He is confused for a second and then he calms down, throws his tiny plump arms around my neck and starts looking curiously around. I walk around the room hugging him tightly and smelling his hair. He is kicking and moving his head in that way that a bird does. He can't move himself, eat or clean up unless I do it for him. The fact that he needs me for his survival gives me extraordinary strength.
"Here, let me take him for awhile.", said my friend.
A little mixture of me and the person I dearly love more than anything and chose to spend the rest of my life with. My little one. A little me? A little fragile me; the real me. As my friend carries him, I look at his face and I see mine, then my husband's, then my brother and sister's. How come he has a little bit of all of us? It makes him so familiar, as dear as them all combined. I feel like I've known him all my life.
"Your baby loves you and he can now show it.", said the baby app on my phone tracking the development of my son day by day.
What's the absolute favorite moment of your day? When he opens his eyes in the morning looking panicky, I place my face in front of his and give him my widest smile. His face relaxes and he smiles happily back at me and starts to kick. He stretches and yawns and keeps smiling at me. I wake up for that everyday.
"Children begin by loving their parents. As they grow older they judge them: sometimes they forgive them." said Oscar Wilde.
I know I can be his super hero for sometime. In his little inexperienced eyes, I'll seem like I know everything, can do everything. But as he grows older he'll start seeing the real me. He'll see me do something and think to himself I won't do that when I'm her age. He'll spot all the faults in my personality. He'll assess the life choices I made and judge them. I wonder how much time I have to fix and better myself as much as I can? I've never wanted with all my heart to become a better version of myself everyday than the day before and now I want it for you. I want you to like me when you get to know me, may be be proud of me, and -dare I dream?- even look up to me?
"They have their own little personalities already. Some of them want to be held all the time and others don't like to be touched. Your baby loves to be held and hugged." said the nurse in the hospital a couple of days after my son was born.
A blank new page. He might have few lines written already -I don't know, maybe more than few- but me and his father will still have the greatest impact on who he becomes. What If I foolishly say or do something that traumatizes him forever? What if I work too much and he thinks that I love my work more than him? What if I don't work and he thinks I've used him to achieve my own dreams through him? I can't even begin to list all the mistakes I might do without knowing that I'm doing them. I might even think I'm doing the right thing. He wants me to hold him a lot, he seeks my attention, he waits for me to look at him and make a funny face. I am studying, cooking or on the phone and I catch him looking at me with anticipation. I feel like I've failed him somehow and I wonder if he felt the same. He is small enough to forget and forgive me instantly the minute I am with him, but what when he is old enough not to?
"I can't protect him.", I told my doctor.
I try to do the best by him everyday and still I feel I can't protect him. I can't control everything and as he grows older the things I can't control will keep adding up. I know I have countless shortcomings in my relationship with Allah, but I pray everyday that He would take over and protect my baby for me. For him.
I don't love him because he is part of me for I don't love myself as much. Come to think of it, I don't love him. Love is an understatement. There is no word that describes that thing I feel for him. I've always read about a mother's love and I've never understood. I even feared that I won't be able to feel it or that I won't want to do all "the work" that comes with being a mother. I can only say it is a switch that has been turned on with his birth, lighting up all these emotions I never knew I could feel before. A feeling that's a gift of mercy from Allah to every newborn who comes to life, to have someone who loves him unconditionally no matter what he does or doesn't do, someone who would give an arm, an eye, a whole life and more for him.
I Love you with all that's beyond the word. I always will.
I repeat the words to myself trying to get used to them and understand that I'm really referring to myself. I look at myself in the mirror expecting to see my own mother, but I still look exactly the same like the girl I've always looked like since middle school. I am now a mother though..
"Once you see his little face, your whole life will be rearranged.", said the cab driver on my way to one of the last follow-up visits a week before my son was born.
His head is the size of the palm of my hand. He whimpers and fusses, I pick him up. He is confused for a second and then he calms down, throws his tiny plump arms around my neck and starts looking curiously around. I walk around the room hugging him tightly and smelling his hair. He is kicking and moving his head in that way that a bird does. He can't move himself, eat or clean up unless I do it for him. The fact that he needs me for his survival gives me extraordinary strength.
A little mixture of me and the person I dearly love more than anything and chose to spend the rest of my life with. My little one. A little me? A little fragile me; the real me. As my friend carries him, I look at his face and I see mine, then my husband's, then my brother and sister's. How come he has a little bit of all of us? It makes him so familiar, as dear as them all combined. I feel like I've known him all my life.
"Your baby loves you and he can now show it.", said the baby app on my phone tracking the development of my son day by day.
What's the absolute favorite moment of your day? When he opens his eyes in the morning looking panicky, I place my face in front of his and give him my widest smile. His face relaxes and he smiles happily back at me and starts to kick. He stretches and yawns and keeps smiling at me. I wake up for that everyday.
"Children begin by loving their parents. As they grow older they judge them: sometimes they forgive them." said Oscar Wilde.
I know I can be his super hero for sometime. In his little inexperienced eyes, I'll seem like I know everything, can do everything. But as he grows older he'll start seeing the real me. He'll see me do something and think to himself I won't do that when I'm her age. He'll spot all the faults in my personality. He'll assess the life choices I made and judge them. I wonder how much time I have to fix and better myself as much as I can? I've never wanted with all my heart to become a better version of myself everyday than the day before and now I want it for you. I want you to like me when you get to know me, may be be proud of me, and -dare I dream?- even look up to me?
"They have their own little personalities already. Some of them want to be held all the time and others don't like to be touched. Your baby loves to be held and hugged." said the nurse in the hospital a couple of days after my son was born.
A blank new page. He might have few lines written already -I don't know, maybe more than few- but me and his father will still have the greatest impact on who he becomes. What If I foolishly say or do something that traumatizes him forever? What if I work too much and he thinks that I love my work more than him? What if I don't work and he thinks I've used him to achieve my own dreams through him? I can't even begin to list all the mistakes I might do without knowing that I'm doing them. I might even think I'm doing the right thing. He wants me to hold him a lot, he seeks my attention, he waits for me to look at him and make a funny face. I am studying, cooking or on the phone and I catch him looking at me with anticipation. I feel like I've failed him somehow and I wonder if he felt the same. He is small enough to forget and forgive me instantly the minute I am with him, but what when he is old enough not to?
"I can't protect him.", I told my doctor.
I try to do the best by him everyday and still I feel I can't protect him. I can't control everything and as he grows older the things I can't control will keep adding up. I know I have countless shortcomings in my relationship with Allah, but I pray everyday that He would take over and protect my baby for me. For him.
I don't love him because he is part of me for I don't love myself as much. Come to think of it, I don't love him. Love is an understatement. There is no word that describes that thing I feel for him. I've always read about a mother's love and I've never understood. I even feared that I won't be able to feel it or that I won't want to do all "the work" that comes with being a mother. I can only say it is a switch that has been turned on with his birth, lighting up all these emotions I never knew I could feel before. A feeling that's a gift of mercy from Allah to every newborn who comes to life, to have someone who loves him unconditionally no matter what he does or doesn't do, someone who would give an arm, an eye, a whole life and more for him.
I Love you with all that's beyond the word. I always will.
